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Georgia Humor
    Redneck Scrapbook
    (let picts load fully)
    Submitted By Joy B.

    Redneck Treehouse

    Redneck Doorbell

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    HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.
    AX - (verb) "Don't ax me, I donno"
    HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage "Heidi, Hire yew?"
    BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage "My brother bard my pickup truck."
    JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
    BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.Usage "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
    MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
    THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a coke."
    IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"
    RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage "I thank I leff my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
    ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
    FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
    TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage "I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
    TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, sure hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Pars sometime."
    RETARD -(verb)- To stop working. Usage "My grampaw retard at age 65."
    FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh beehins."
    RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats." Different from the singular RAT - (adverb) "Gerald, you get yo ass home rat now."
    CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage "Just set that bare rat cheer."
    FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."
    DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage "He's did, Jim."
    ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas; Oxygen. Usage "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ARE!"
    BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
    JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
    HAZE - a contraction. Usage "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit n'is laf."
    SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".
    VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage "I ain't never seed New York City... view?

    Submitted By Member Joy B.

    More Added To The List....
    Addled: Confused, disoriented, as in the case of Northern sociologists who try to make sense out of the South, "What's wrong with that Yankee? He acts right addled."

    Ahr: What we breathe, also a unit of time made up of 60 minutes. "They should've been here about an ahr ago."

    Ar: Possesive pronoun. "That's Ar dawg, not yours."

    Awfullest: The worst. "That's the awfullest lie you ever told me in your life."

    Bad-mouth: To disparage or derogate. "All these candidates have bad-mouthed each other so much I've about decided not to vote for any of 'em."

    Baws: Your employer. "The baws may not always be right, but he's always the baws."

    Best: Another baffling Southernism that is usually couched in the negative. "You best not speak to Bob about his car. He just had to spend $300 on it."

    Braht: Dazzing. "Venus is a braht planet." Cawse: Cause, usually preceded in the South by the adjective "lawst" (lost). "The War Between the States was a lawst cawse."

    Cayut: A furry animal much beloved by little girls but detested by adults when it engages in mating rituals in the middle of the night. "Be sure to put the cayut out-side before you go to bed."

    Chunk: To throw. "Chunk it there, Leroy. Ole Leroy sure can chunk 'at ball, can't he? Best pitcher we ever had."

    Clone: A type of scent women put on themselves. "what's that clone you got on, honey?"

    Contrary: Obstinate, perverse. "Jim's a fine boy, but she won't have nothin' to do with him. She's just contrary, is all Ah can figure."

    Daints: A more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the sound of music. "You wanna go to the daints with me Saturday night, Bobbie Sue?"

    Danjuh: Imminent peril. What John Paul Jones meant when he said, "Give me a fast ship, for I intend to put her in harm's way."

    Deah: A term of endearment, except in the sense Rhett Butler used it when he said to Scarlett O'Hara, "Frankly, my deah, Ah don't give a damn."

    Didn't go to: Did not intend to. "Don't whip Billy for knockin' his little sister down. He didn't go to do it."

    Dollin: Another term of endearment. (darling) "Dollin, will you marry me?"

    Doodle-um-squat: Worth nothing

    Dreckly: Soon. "He'll be along dreckly."

    Effuts: Exertions. "Lee made great effuts to defeat Grant."

    Everthang: All-encompassing. "everthang's all messed up."

    Everhoo: Another baffling Southernism - a reverse contraction od whoever."Everhoo one of you kids wants to go to the movie better clean up their room."

    Fahn: Excellent. "That sure is a fahn-lookin' woman."

    Farn: Anything that is not domestic. "Ah don't drink no farn liquor, specially Rooshin vodka."

    Fetch: Bring

    Fetchin': Attractive. "That's a mighty fetchin' woman. Think I'll ask her to daints."

    Fixin' to: About to. "I'm fixin' to go to the store."

    Foolin' around: Can mean not doing anything in particular or sex, usually of the extramarital variety. "Sue caught her husband foolin' around, so she divorced him."

    Fummeer: A place other than one's present location. "Where do we go fummeer?"

    Gawn: Departed. "Bo's not here. He's gawn out with somebody else."

    Gone: Going to. "You boys just git out there and play football. We gone make mistakes, but they are, too."

    Got a good notion: A statement of intent. "Ah got a good notion to cut a switch and whale the dickens out of that boy."

    Grain of sense: An apprasial of intelligence, invariably expressed in negative terms. "That boy ain't got a grain of sense."

    Gummut: A large institution operating out of Washington that consumes taxes at a fearful rate. "Bill's got it made. He's got a gummut job

    Hahr:That which grows on your head and requires cutting periodically. "You need a hahrcut."

    Hod: Not soft, but meaning stubborn or willful when used to describe a Southern child's head. "That boy's so hod-headed it's pitiful."

    Hot: A muscle that pumps blood through the body, but also regarded as the center of emotion. "That gull (girl) has just broke his hot."

    Hush yo' mouth: An expression of pleased embarrassment, as when a Southern female is paid an extravagant compliment. "Honey, you're 'bout the sweetest, best-lookin' woman in Tennessee. Now hush yo' mouth, Jim Bob

    Ignert: Ignorant. "Ah've figgered out what's wrong with Congress. Most of 'em are just plain ignert."

    Ill: Angry, testy. "What's wrong with Molly today? She's ill as a hornet."

    Innerduce: To make one person acquainted with another. "Lemme innerduce you to my cousin. She's a little on the heavy side, but she's got a great personality."

    Iont: I don't. "Iont know if Ah can eat another bobbycue (barbecue) or not

    Jack-leg: Self taught, especially in reference to automobile mechanics and clergy-men. "He's just a jack-leg preacher, but he sure knows how to put out the hellfire and brimstone."

    Jewant: Do you want. "Jewant to go over to the Red Rooster and have a few beers?"

    Ka-yun: A sealed cylinder containing food. "If that woman didn't have a kay-un opener, her family would starve to death."

    Kerosene cat in hell with gasoline drawers on: A colorful Southern expression used as as evaluation of someone's ability to accomplish something. "He ain't got no more chance than a kerosene cat in hell with gasoline drawers on."

    Kin: Related to. An Elizabethan expression, one of many which survived in the South. "Are you kin to him?" "Yeah, He's my brother."

    Klect: To receive money to which one is entitled. "Ah don't think you'll ever klect that bill."

    Laht: A source of illumination. "This room's too doc (dark). We need more laht in here."

    Lar: One who tells untruths. "Not all fishermen are lars. It's just that a lot of lars fish."

    Layin' up: Resting or meditating. Or as Southern women usually put it, loafing. "Cecil didn't go to work today 'cause of a chronic case of laziness. He's been layin' up in the house all day, drivin' me crazy."

    Let alone: Much less. "He can't even hold a job and support himself, let alone support a family."

    Let out: Dismissed. "What time does school let out?"

    Lick and a promise: To do something in a hurried or perfunctory fashion. "We don't have time to clean this house so it's spotless. Just give it a lick and a promise."

    Mahty raht: Correct. "You mahty raht about that, Awficer. Guess Ah WAS speedin' a little bit."

    Make out: Yes, it means that in the South too, but it also means finish your meal. "You chirren (Children) hadn't had nearly enough to eat. Make out your supper."

    Mess:Portion, enough to make a meal, or one who carries on. "He's a mess".

    Mind to: To have the intention of doing something. "Ah got a mind to quit my job and just loaf for a while."

    Much obliged: Thank you; hope to return favor.

    Nawth: Any part of the country outside the South _Midwest, California or whatever.If it's not South, it's Nawth. "People from up Nawth sure do talk funny."

    Nekkid: To be unclothed. "Did you see her in that movie? She was nekkid as a jaybird."

    Nemmine: Never mind, but used in the sense of differnece. "It don't make no nemmine to me."

    Of a moanin: Of a morning, meaning in the morning. "My daddy always liked his coffee of a moanin."

    Ownliest: The only one. "That's the ownliest one Ah've got left."

    Parts: Buccaneers who sailed under the dreaded skull and crossbones. "See that third baseman? He just signed a big contrack with the Pittsburg Parts."

    PEEcans: Northerners call them peCONNS for some obscure reason. "Honey, go out in the yard and pick up a passel of PEEcans. Ah'm gonna make us a pie."

    Pert: Perky, full of energy. "You look mighty pert today."

    Pert near: Almost. "She pert near got the answer."

    Pick at: To pester and annoy. "Jimmy, Ah told you not to pick at your little sister."

    Playin' possum: playing dead "Look at Bob over there playin' possum."

    Purtiest: The most pretty. "ain't she the purtiest thing you ever seen?"

    Quar: An organized choral group, usually connected with a church or school. "Did you hear the news? The preacher left his wife and run off with the quar director."

    Raffle: A long-barrelled firearm. "Dan'l Boone was a good shot with a raffle."

    Rahtnaow: At once. "Linda Sue, Ah want you to tell that boy it's time to go home and come in the house rahtnaow."

    Raut: A method of getting from one place to another which Southerners pronounce to rhyme with "kraut". Yankees, for reasons that remain shrouded in mystery, pronounce "route" to rhyme with : root". Or worse still, "foot."

    Reckon: suppose, imagine, etc. "I reckon I'll go"

    Restrunt: A place to eat. "New Yorker's got a lot of good restrunts."

    Retard: No longer employed. "He's retard now."

    Sass: Another Elizabethan term derived from the word saucy, meaning to speak in an impertinent manner. "Don't sass me, young lady. You're not too old to get a whippin'."

    Shainteer: Indicates the absence of a female. "Is the lady of the house in?" "Nope. Shainteer."

    Shindig: Dance or celebration.

    Shudenoughta: Should not. "You shudenoughta have another drink."

    Smell-uvit: usually when offering something for someone to smell, like a flower or food, etc. "Wanta smell-uvit?"

    Spell: An indetermined length of time. "Let's sit here and rest a spell."

    Spring Chicken: Young thing.

    Stain: The opposite of leaving. "Ah hate this party, and Ah'm not stain much longer."

    Supper: The evening meal Southererners are having while Yankees are having dinner. "What's for supper, honey?

    Take on: To behave in a highly emotional manner. "Don't take on like that, Brenda Sue. He's not the only man in Lee County."

    Tal: What you dry off with after you take a share. "Would you bring me a tal, sweetheart?"

    Tawt: To instruct. "Don't pull that cat's tail. Ah tawt you better'n that."

    Thank: Think. "Ah thank Ah'll go to a movie tonight."

    That ole dawg won't hunt no more: That will not work. "You want to borrow $20 when you still owe me fifty? That ole dawg won't hunt no more."

    Tore up: Distraught, very upset. "His wife just left him, and he's all tore up about it."

    Uhmewzin: Funny, comical. "Few things are more uhmewzin than a Yankee tryin' to affect a Southern accent, since they invariably address one person as 'y'all when any Southern six-year-old knows 'y'all is always plural because it means 'all of you.'"

    Unbeknownst: Lacking knowledge of. "Unbeknownst to them, he had marked the cards."

    Usta: Used to. "Ah usta live in Savanah."

    Vaymuch: Not a whole lot, when expressed in the negative. "Ah don't like this ham vaymuch."

    Wahn: What Jesus turned the water into, unless you're Babdist who is persuaded it was only grape juice. "Could Ah have another glass of that wahn?"

    Wars: Slender strands of coated copper that carry power over long distances. "They're puttin' telephone wars underground now."

    Wawk: A method of non-polluting travel by foot. "Why don't we take an old-fashioned wawk?"

    Wear out: An expression used to describe a highly-effective method of behavior modification in children. "When Ah get ahold of that boy, Ah'm gonna wear him out."

    Wender: A glass-covered opening in a wawl. "Open that wender, It's too hot in here."

    Xtrie: Extra "That boy will go the xtrie mile.

    Y'all: You all. Two or more people.

    Yat: A common greeting . Instead of saying "hey" in lieu of "hello" some Southerners say, "Where yat?"

    Yew: Not a tree, but a personal pronoun. "Yew wanna shoot some pool?"

    Y'heah?: A redundant expression tacked onto the end of sentences by Southerners. "Y'all come back soon, y'heah?"

    Yontny: Do you want any. "Yontny more cornbread?"

    Yungins: Also spelled younguns, meaning young ones. "Ah want all you yungins in bed in five minutes."

    Zit: Is it. "Zit already midnight, sugar? Tahm sure flies when you're having fun."


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    Edgecatin Nawthnas
    Submitted By Debra Pastuszynski
    Georgia's Wacky Laws
    If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the differences in lifestyles:

    The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes,
    The South has 'mater samiches.
    The North has coffee houses,
    The South has Waffle Houses.
    The North has dating services,
    The South has family reunions.
    The North has switchblade knives,
    The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
    The North has double last names,
    The South has double first names.
    The North has Ted Kennedy,
    The South has Jesse Helms.
    The North has an ambulance,
    The South has an amalance.
    The North has Indy car races,
    The South has stock car races.
    The North has Cream of Wheat,
    The South has grits.
    The North has green salads,
    The South has collard greens.
    The North has lobsters,
    The South has crawdads.
    The North has the rust belt,
    The South has the Bible Belt.

    If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

    Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.... Don't buy food at this store.

    Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

    Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

    You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all ought not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"

    Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.

    The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

    Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.

    If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

    If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

    When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

    Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

    In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

    AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.


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    All males in the state between the ages of 16 and 50 are required to work on public roads.

    It is illegal for a barber to advertise his prices.

    It is illegal to change the clothes on a storefront mannequin unless the shades are down.

    Atlanta- It is illegal to tie giraffes to street lamps.

    Conyers- An ordinance was passed that prohibits saying the phrase "two fried eggs and a fritter for a quarter" in an attempt to prohibit slang talkin'.

    Jonesboro- It is illegal to say "Oh Boy".

    Quitman- It is against the law for chickens to cross the road.

    Columbus- It is illegal to sit on one's porch in an indecent position.

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    Top Ten Lists You'll Never Hear Us Southerners Say.....
    How to tell if your a "High Tech Redneck"

  • 10. Your e-mail address ends in ""

  • 9. You connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page"

  • 8. The bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop"

  • 7. Your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson"

  • 6. You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.

  • 5. Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.

  • 4. Your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss her.

  • 3. You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy".

  • 2. Your screen saver is a bit map image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.

  • 1. You start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all".

    Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't"

  • 10. I need to whip it out by 5

  • 9. Mind if I use your laptop?

  • 8. Just stick it in my box

  • 7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag

  • 6. I want it on my desk, NOW!

  • 5. HMMMMMMMM...I think it's out of fluid

  • 4. My equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish

  • 3. It's any entry-level position

  • 2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

  • And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't...

  • 1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!


  • 10. The monitor is up on blocks.

  • 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

  • 8. The six front keys have rotted out.

  • 7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.

  • 6. The numerical keypad only goes up to six.

  • 5. The password is "Bubba".

  • 4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

  • 3. There's a SKOAL can in the CD-ROM drive.

  • 2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

  • And the number one way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is.....

  • 1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

  • Top Ten Signs Your Mom Is A NASCAR Fan

  • 10. First Question She Asks Your Date: "Who's Your Favorite Driver?"

  • 9. Answering Machine Message: "Call Me Back When The Race Is Over."

  • 8. Once Got In A Fist Fight With Someone Who Said Nascar Wasn't A Real Sport

  • 7. The Hood Over Her Range Is Made From Sheet Metal From The 88 Car

  • 6. Her Proudest Moment When Teaching You How To Drive Was When You Learned How To Stick It Down In The Turns

  • 5. Comforter Across The Back Of Her Couch Has A Picture Of Dale Earnhardt's Face On It

  • 4 Her Mother Calls To Console Your Dad When Bill Elliott Wrecks

  • 3 You Can't Get In The Utility Room For All The Bottles Of Wisk

  • 2 Gives Directions Using International Drive In Daytona As The Starting Point

    And The Number One Sign Your Mom Is A Nascar Fan...

  • 1.Picture Of The Grandkids Replaced By A Shot Of John Boy & Billy In The Giant Shopping Cart

  • Top Ten Signs You're At A Redneck Wedding

  • 10. Rehearsal Dinner Held At Hooters
  • 9. Instead Of "Friends Of The Bride Or Friends Of The Groom?" Ushers Ask "Ford Or Chevy?"
  • 8. Bridesmaids: Pink Tube Tops Bridegrooms: Travis Tritt T-Shirts
  • 7. Phrase "I Do" Replaced By "I Heard That"
  • 6. Tender Rendition Of "The Wedding Song" Performed By Pinkard & Bowden
  • 5. When Minister Asks Who Giveth This Woman To Be Married...Some Guy In The Back Stands Up And Hollers "Earnhardt!"
  • 4. Reception Conversation Includes The Phrase "So What Have You Been Doing Since Hee Haw, Mr. Lindsay?"
  • 3. Snack Trays At Reception: Vienna Sausages And Nacho Cheese Doritos
  • 2. Plans For The Honeymoon Evening Include Tickets To The Monster Truck Show

    ...And The Number One Way To Tell If You're At A Redneck Wedding...

  • 1.Sign In Front Of The Church:
    No Shirt...No Shoes...No Problem!

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    "I'll take Shakespear for 1000, Alex"

    "Duct tape won't fix that"

    "Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael"

    "Come to think of it I'll have a Heiniken"

    "Has anyone seen the sideburn trimmer?"

    "You can't feed that to the dog"

    "I thought Graceland was tacky"

    "No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe"

    "Wrasslin's fake"

    "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"

    "We're vegetarians"

    "Do you think my hair is too big?"

    "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy"

    "Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?"

    "Who's Richard Petty?"

    "Give me the small bag of pork rinds"

    Deer heads detract from the decor"

    "Spitting is such a nasty habit"

    "I just couldn't find the thing at Wal-Mart today"

    "Trim the fat off that steak"

    "Cappuccino tastes better than espresso"

    "The tires on that truck are big"

    "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad"

    "I've got it all on a floppy disk"

    "Unsweetened tea tastes better"

    "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"

    "My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's"

    "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl"

    "Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams


    "She's too old to be wearing that bikini"

    "Doeas the salad bar have bean sprouts?"

    "Hey, here's an episode of Jerry Springer that we haven't seen"

    "I don't have a favorite college team"

    "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side"

    "I believe you cooked those beans too long"

    "We need to take the kids to the dentist"

    "We're not related"
    Sent to us by: JohnnyD41

    "That car will never run again"
    Sent to us by: JohhnyD41

    "Would you please pass the Palomar All Fruit?"
    Sent to us by: JohhnyD41

    "Pardon me, do you have any Gray Poupon?"
    Sent to us by: JohhnyD41

    "These baluga and goose paté hors d' ouvres are simply divine!"
    Sent to us by: JohhnyD41

    "Get over it, will ya? That war ended 133 years, ago 16 days, 4 hours and 41 minutes ago!"
    Sent to us by: JohhnyD41

    "What is Kudzoo?"
    Sent to us by: Goldie Meow

    "I want to move to New York City to be a star!"
    Sent to us by: packrat35

    "Give me a soda pop!"
    Sent to us by: packrat35

    "Not tonight sis, I'm not in the mood."
    Sent to us by: MadjackIII

    "We don't keep firearms in this house."
    Sent to us by: Strate_up

    "Elvis who?"
    Sent to us by: Strate_up

    "How could your Daddy possibly be your uncle?"
    Sent to us by:

    "I do not find my cousin attractive!"
    Sent to us by:

    "No pork rinds for me......watchin my cholesterol."
    Sent to us by:

    "I just have to find some time to go to the gym."
    Sent to us by:

    "Boy.......that Matlock sure does talk funny."
    Sent to us by:

    "We really should bathe the pig"
    Sent to us by:

    "The police are our friends."
    Sent to us by:

    "Boy! best go warsh that red off ya neck!"
    Sent to us by:

    "No, I don't have room for one more set of tires at my house!"
    Sent to us By:Denise Wells

    "Excuse me while I spit."
    Sent to us By:Denise Wells

    "I just loved my Language Arts teacher!"
    Sent to us By:Denise Wells

    "What gun show?"
    Sent to us By:Denise Wells

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    All About Georgia
    Submitted By Goldie Meow
    Commentary-The South
    Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

    There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Georgia.

    There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Georgia, plus a couple no one's seen before.

    Squirrels will eat anything.

    Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato plants.

    Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.

    If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

    A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

    "Oncet" and "Twict" are words.

    It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

    Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.

    People actually grow and eat okra.

    "Fixinto" is one word.

    There ain't no such thing as "lunch". There's only dinner and then there's supper.

    Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two.

    "Backards and forwards" means I know everything about you.

    "Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

    You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is; you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

    More about Georgians...:

    You know you're from Georgia if:

    1. You measure distance in minutes.
    2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
    3. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
    4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.
    5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store."
    6. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,vegetable, grain, insect or animal
    7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
    8. You carry jumper cables in your car ... for your OWN car.
    9. You know what "cow tipping" is.
    10. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, chili powder, and catsup.
    11. The local papers cover national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
    12. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
    13. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."
    14. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
    15. You know whether another Georgian is from east, west, or middle Georgia as soon as they open their mouth.
    16. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin wal-martin" or off to "Wally World."
    17. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.
    18. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop... it's a Coke,regardless of brand or flavor. Example "What kinna coke you want?"
    19. Fried Catfish is the other white meat.

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    To be frank, I find these people anything but deep. I was in Birmingham, Alabama, working in a small comedy club called I Don't Get It.
    -- Dennis Miller

    Nice people down South. They take their guns seriously. We passed a pickup truck. It had a bumper sticker: "Guns Don't Kill People, I do!"
    -- Jon Haymen

    For a black man, there's no difference between the North and the South. In the South they don't mind how close I get so long as I don't get too big; in the North they don't mind how big I get so long as I don't get too close.
    -- Dick Gregory

    People down South are incredibly polite. Even their war was civil.
    -- Dudley Moore

    In the South my grandmother used to tell me, "Hey, James Wesley, put down that wheelbarrow--you know you doesn't know anything about machinery."
    -- James Wesley Jackson

    Three men were talkin' about a new scheme, and one of them was an engraver. He said,"I can make a batch of money, and we'll pass it out and get rich." He showed up with the money--all eighteen-dollar bills. The other guys said, "You must be nuts! Nobody'll take an eighteen-dollar bill." He said, "Don't get excited. I know where we can get rid of 'em--down in Tennessee." They said, "Well, come on, let's go get rid of 'em fast." They drove down to the mountains of Tennessee and they pulled up to a filling station in front of a little country grocery store. The owner came out and said, "Y'all wanna get something?" They said, "Yeah, fill it up with Hi-Test, boy." The guy filled it up and said, "Anything else?" One of them got out an eighteen-dollar bill and popped it a few times and said, "You got change for that?" The country boy looked it over a few times, popped it a couple of times, and said, "Hell yes. Whaddya want, three sixes or two nines?"
    -- The Duke of Paducah (Whitey Ford)

    I love those slow-talking Southern girls. I was out with a Southern girl last night, took her so long to tell me she wasn't that kind of girl, she was.
    -- Woody Woodbury

    They talk about people "relating" to each other ... Relating? Me being from Macon, Georgia, "relating" means dating your cousin.
    -- Blake Clark

    I was in Tennessee and they hated me. They knew I came in from California. A guy stood up and said, "At least here in Tennessee we don't drive all over our freeways and shoot and kill people!" I said, "No, but you should."
    -- Pam Stone

    A hillbilly boy married a hillbilly girl and went on a honeymoon. They were supposed to stay two weeks, but they didn't stay two weeks, they stayed one night. The next day the hillbilly boy came back up to his pappy's cabin. His pappy said, "Hey, boy, where's your woman?" He said, "I shot her, Paw." He said," You shot her? What fer?" The boy said, "She were a virgin, Paw." He said, " I don't blame ya, boy, if she ain't good enough for her folks, she ain't good enough for us!"
    -- Dave Turner

    The hottest day I ever lived through--Monday, Memorial Day. When I was a boy in Kershaw, South Carolina, I remembered how good it was to swim in the creek. So I took my clothes off, hung 'em on a bush, and dived into the creek. I was really enjoying myself, but all of a sudden I heard a bunch of girls giggling. They grabbed my clothes and run with 'em! I got to scramblin' around in the creek and my hand finally come across a big ol' dishpan. I just held it up in front of me, and I took off after 'em. I run eight blocks, right down the main street of Gatlinburg and I finally caught up with 'em. And I run up to the ringleader and I said, "Young lady, do you know what I think? Do you know what I think?" She said, "Yes, I know what you think. You think there's a bottom in that dishpan!"
    -- Ralph Smith

    They laugh at us up North, they say we're ignorant. Of course, we realize it. They laugh at us. They say at nine, ten o'clock at night we're home in bed. That's all right, two o'clock in the morning they're still searchin' for it.
    -- Brother Dave Gardner

    You might be a redneck if:
    You consider a six-pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
    If you honest to God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
    If your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
    If everybody you meet can tell what kind of underwear you're wearing.
    If your wife's hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan.
    If your family tree does not fork.
    -- Jeff Foxworthy

    There are two kinds of guys in the South--good ol'boys and rednecks. The difference is, good ol' boys may raise livestock, rednecks get emotionally involved.
    -- Blake Clark

    We was out visiting Uncle Ronnie Ledbetter, and my brother and I like to have had a heart attack. There was a hog out there in a pen--with a wooden peg leg. And my brother said, " Uncle Ronnie, what in the world is that hog doin' with a wooden peg leg? Why has he got a peg leg?" And the man said, "Sonny, that's the most wonderful hog in the world. My house was burning about a year ago, and that hog rescued the baby, got the baby out, saved its life. We love that hog, that hog's just like a member of our family. And a year before that, a little boy was drowning down at the baptizin' hole in the river, and that hog jumped in that river and grabbed him and rescued him. And that hog's like a member of my family. We love that hog!" My brother said, "Yeah, but you still ain't told me why he's got a wooden peg leg." And Uncle Ronnie said, "Sonny, you just don't eat a hog that wonderful but one ham at a time."
    -- Jerry Clower

    There were two nice-lookin' fellers standing next to me, and one of them said to the other, "You know, I believe I recognize her. That's that -- Minnie Pearl. She's been down there at the Grand Ol' Opry for 175 years." He said, "She carries on like she's from the country. I bet she's not from the country. I bet she don't know a goose from a gander." I turned around and I said, "Well, at Grinder's Switch we don't worry about that. We just put them all out there together and let 'em figure it out for themselves."
    -- Minnie Pearl

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    Wild Wierd Wacky


    Redneck Application


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